What saved my (brief) running career?

Have you ever been to the store and had to buy something embarrassing?  Items I can think of that would be on the list would be tampons, condoms, and any medicine that addresses constipation.  Thankfully, I don't often have to buy embarrassing things at the store, but, it was 100% necessary if I was going to keep my running career going.  The first week I started this quest, I just pictured throwing on some shoes and running my heart out.  Not only did I face the challenge of tar filled lungs that wouldn't let me breathe as I ran those first few miles, but I learned that I would have to face another more painful challenge.  I hadn't considered chafing as a potential problem.  I soon realized that my running career was going to come to a quick end after those first few runs.  It's hard to describe the issue without becoming too graphic, and I've already given more information than you all want or need to know.  Let's just say that I was walking around very carefully for a while.  Truthfully, I was walking around like an old man. There was no way I was going to be running any half-marathons if a mile or two did this to me!

This lead to a very awkward conversation with a family member, who is a runner and was the only person that I could turn to in this sort of crisis.  I'm sure they don't want to be remembered as the person who saved me from chafing, but I will never be able to repay them for their advice!  So, thank you nameless person for your expertise on chafing!  It was this person that told me that Vaseline would save my running career!

Apparently, when you are running, all sorts of body parts start to rub together.  When you add in sweat, it can lead to not so fun results, as I learned.  The other thing to consider is the clothing.  If your clothing is too loose, it can rub and irritate various body parts as well.  The stories about nipple chafing really scare me.  The idea of it makes me shiver and want to start smoking a pack and half a day again! 

I'm not sure what is more embarrassing, acknowledging that I have to use Vaseline before each run or when I had to go to the store and buy an industrial sized tub of it!  To make matters worse, all of the cashiers were either adolescent girls or old women.  I wasn't sure which would be more uncomfortable.  I chose to get in the older woman's line.  I tried to hide the Vaseline between some of the other groceries so it would go unnoticed.  Thankfully, there was no scene.  The woman didn't scream out "Oh my god! What are you going to do with so much Vaseline?!?"  But that's what I pictured happening during those uncomfortable moments in line.  Hopefully, that tub will last me a long time.    

Do runners shave??

I have always been a pessimist.  A worst-case scenario type of guy.  I could always relate to Charlie Brown when Lucy would pull the football away just as he was about to kick it.  I feel a special connection to Job from the Bible (who I've heard was also training to run a half-marathon back in his day).  Some of the events of my life don't help me with this way of thinking.  Being surrounded by police cars and accused of robbing a bank and being punched then robbed while working as a cashier are the sort of things that lead you to always be prepared for the worst-case scenario.  I'm bringing this up because I need to be more positive.  I noticed this especially after my last post.  It was filled with complaints!  So, here is a brief list of positive things about my training thus far.
1. I ran 5 miles today!  Actually, it was 5.5 but the first .5 I walked to get warmed up.  I did the 5.5 miles in 68:21.  Pretty sure that's a slow time, but I'm happy with it for now.  Several months ago, as I was sucking down a pack and half of Camel lights a day, who would have pictured me running 5 miles??
2.  I have lost 5 pounds and my wife told me that i have the beginnings of a two-pack.  I'm pretty sure I'll never have a six pack...but I'm a modest guy, I'll take a two pack!
3.  I still have not had a cigarette.  That's also very impressive, seeing that I love to smoke!  Yes, I still miss it, but we are remaining positive.  No smoke has entered my lungs in quite a while!

That's all the positivity I've got for right now...but I'll be working on being less Job/Charlie Brown/ Debbie Downerish over the course of my training. 

One last topic before I wrap up.  I've heard that swimmers shave their whole bodies.  I wonder if runners do the same thing.  Would there be some kind of benefit?  I guess if you were really hairy, shaving might make you lighter and able to run faster.  As I've tried to research information about running at websites like Runner's World, I don't recall them showing pictures of really hairy guys jogging.    I'm not quite sure that I'm prepared to shave or wax if it's a runner thing.  Although, one part of my brain tells me that would make a really interesting blog post!  So, if someone knows if runners shave their whole bodies...let me know why they would do such a thing (to be honest, I'm kind of scared that there is some very logical reason which would force me to consider doing it).

What have I learned after a month of running?

So, my first run was a little over a month ago.  Here are a few things I've learned so far.

1. Running is boring!  This is especially true when running on a treadmill.  It's no wonder all those gyms have televisions in front of the treadmills.  Truly amazing what your brain starts to think when there is nothing to do but run.

2.  When my body hurts from running, I really start to understand that I'm getting old.  I try to do one long run every Sunday.  It has led to some sore Mondays!  Aside from the gray hairs that I've started to discover, nothing is making me feel older than limping around for a day after a long run. 

3.  When someone tells you that excercising makes you feel like you have more energy, don't listen...they are lying! 

4.  Getting the proper equipment is important.  I always used to laugh at joggers and runners in their outfits(most of which look ugly/ridiculous in my mind...somebody show me some cool looking running stuff.  I haven't found it yet).  It didn't take me long to understand how important those clothes can be.  I'll have to expand upon this in a future blog because it's too embarassing/funny not to write about, but needless to say, I will have to get some of the appropriate equipment! (I've also learned that companies can make any hobby expensive.  The shoes/clothes/equipment you need to run gets expensive!)

5.  Running has helped me lose weight.  I've lost about 3-4lbs so far.  Doesn't seem like that much but when you consider that I haven't changed anything about the way I eat, then it is kind of amazing.  Especially when you understand that I do not eat very healty at all.  (As a side note, can we all agree that Chick-fil-A is the best fast food restaurant?  The chicken nuggets/waffle fries are the best thing around.  Just the right ratio of chicken and grease).  Anything that allows me to eat unhealthy and still lose weight, I have to continue.

6.  Finally, I've learned that it may take a miracle for me to be ready to run 13.1 miles.  But I won't stop trying.  I'm impressed with the fact that at this point, I can jog a little over 2 miles without getting completely winded.  That's pretty good for someone whose lungs are still recovering from years of smoking!   But 2 miles is a long way from 13.1. 

Should I Be Worried About My Health?

Practically every website I've visited about training for a half-marathon has made some mention of consulting a doctor before beginning any training program.  Good advice right? Will I be consulting a doctor? No way.  I recognize the risk of serious injury in attempting to go from couch potato to half-marathon runner.  The truth is I'm afraid of doctors.  I always expect them to give me bad news.  Maybe it's because of my family history, maybe it's paranoia, maybe it's my Charlie Brown style attitude, or maybe I shouldn't have watched ER for all those years.  Regardless, I'm not prepared for the doctor to tell me that my years of smoking have led to Emphysema or COPD.  I don't want the anxiety of waiting for a doctor to give me the results of a test or x-ray.  Maybe you are starting to see more of my motivation for trying to run this half-marathon.  My fears about my health and my reluctance to consult doctors has left me with a dilema and questions nobody is asking. Can I prove to myself that I'm healthy without going to a doctor? How many miles do I have to run to prove to my paranoid brain that I don't have Emphysema? Hopefully, the answer is 13.1 miles! 

I've tried to include a picture of my current training setup.  I hope you can see it (notice the wood paneling? I find it oddly comforting as I run).  Currently, I enjoy running on the treadmill because it's cold outside and I'm not quite prepared to look like Forrest Gump to the whole world.   Due to oddly shaped rooms in this house my treadmill is on the second floor, with the end lined right up with the wall and a window.  I want you to take a moment, take a look at the picture, and imagine me running on the treadmill, getting a cramp, and being launched into the wall or possibly out the window! Or, picture me running my heart out, when suddenly the floor collapses and I end up falling through the floor.  Very real possibilities for someone who is prone to have unexpected things happen to him!

I'd like to thank all of you that took the time to comment, email, call, etc. voicing your support (or doubts!).  I will need that sort of encouragement to get to my goal!  Soon, I'll post my progress to this point and the challenges I'm already facing!

Am I An Idiot?

I've always hated people that say they have no regrets.  It's probably because I have so many (peeing my pants in elementary school and puking on the girl I had a crush on in grade school just to give you two examples).  My biggest regret happened when I was thirteen.  I was upset about something and I decided the best thing to do was to take a few of my mom's cigarettes.  I pedaled my bike down the street to the park and nervously began lighting up one of the cigarettes.  Proving that I am an idiot, I kept trying until I knew that i had inhaled correctly (you know you've inhaled correctly when it feels like fire is running through your throat and lungs).  So, that's how twenty years of smoking started.  A stupid thirteen year old.

Does twenty years of smoking make me an idiot? Yes.  Cigarettes and smoking have caused me a great deal of trouble and pain in my life.  Do you know what makes me a bigger idiot??  I stopped smoking about four months ago, but, there isn't a single day that I don't think about having a cigarette.  With that in mind, I've decided that I need some goal to prevent me from smoking again and to motivate me to not start again (you would think that leading a long, healthy life would be enough motivation, but I've already acknowledged that I'm an idiot). 

So, this lazy, out of shape, 33-year-old, who smoked for twenty years, is now announcing that he will be running a half-marathon in September.  Further proving my idiocy, I will be blogging all the embarrassing details of my attempt.  Why blog about it?  Excellent question! I believe I need the threat of shame and embarrassment to keep me focused on this goal.  So, whether anyone reads this or not...I will know that I have to work towards my goal because I've told my family, friends, and the whole internet that I'm going to do it!

Am I worried about running a half-marathon?? Hell yes!  Running over thirteen miles is not something I ever picture myself doing.  Besides, I'm the sort of person that if something can go wrong, it will go wrong.  But that will make this blog interesting right? So, if you see a news article about a runner being attacked by a pack of wild dogs...don't bother reading it, it's me.